bingo cards

It’s fall on Vancouver Island as I sit here on the ferry with my big purple backpack and my e-bike Dally, ready to bikepack over to Galiano Island to stay the night. I’m watching Glennon Doyle and Abby Wambach on Instagram, driving their daughter Tish all across the country on her first music tour. The end of the caption reads, “We did not see this life on our bingo card but we wouldn’t be anywhere else in the world" and all I keep thinking is, I did not see this life on my bingo card. I did not see this life on my bingo card, but here I am.

When people ask me how I came to Vancouver Island and why I stayed, each time it’s a new variation of the same story. I’m trying on each story each time I share it with a new person I meet like I’m trying on new clothing. I’m trying on the truth on myself. Seeing how it feels. Seeing how the texture rubs up against my skin. Feeling if the story feels close enough to the truth to buy, take home, and wear forever. As hard as I try though, none of the stories ever seem to fit quite right and over time, I give them away, toss them in a bag, hide them under my bed for me to think about later.

I haven’t always loved it here, and sometimes I have. Both truths are true at the exact same time. Two layers of clothing on. It’s cold in here.

I love my life and I am so wholeheartedly grateful for all of the blessings that have brought me to where I am today. I do not take it for granted.

And, soon, it will be time to end this game, throw out the old bingo cards, and start anew.

Ocean, gulf islands, coastal rainforest - you are a dream. But you are not my dream.

I’ll pull the old clothes out from under my bed. Strip the layers of clothing off of my skin until I can see myself again clearly. I’ll give it all away to build a life all of my own creation.

“Once upon a time, there was a woman…”

I’ll start again, from the very beginning.

“Dance in red shoes, but make sure they’re the ones you’ve made by hand.” - Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Women Who Run With The Wolves

All for now,

All my love,

Onward.

-m