when the right choice feels wrong, it is still right

He was running up the side of the mountain to meet her. Calling her name as she yelled down at him “What are you doing here?” The sun was setting. And as I walked up the trail he met her in a tight embrace and didn’t let go. Even after I passed them, I heard him whispering soft murmurings of “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry” into the soft folds of her neck as I stared out at the mountains dusted in snow and glowing pink amidst the frothy clouds. “Is that love?” I thought to myself. Is it someone who runs up the side of the mountain for you?

I pictured her leaving the house after a fight between the two of them. Saying “I’m going for a walk up the mountain to breathe and take some space. Don’t follow me,” but secretly, do we always wish our lovers will? Do we hold out hope that even when we turn away in moments of anger, or walk away from someone we love, or get our hearts broken, that even after all is said and done, the one we left or was left by will come running down the sidewalk, chase our plane down the tarmac, or run up the side of the mountain to greet us in a tight embrace and take back everything that was just done? Even in those moments, can you take it all back? Would you want to?

I’m thinking about that couple tonight, specifically that woman, as I sit here at my desk and write with my hot cup of freshly brewed herbal tea to the right of me and my incense burning in front of me. I wonder after all, if she wanted him to come chasing after her, or if she just wanted to be alone?

What I’ve learned is that there is so much peace, happiness, joy, and contentment found in actively choosing to be alone. It’s a radical act of self love to always choose yourself first. To never abandon yourself or your dreams or your visions or your goals for anyone, no matter how sweet and comforting the attention from another can be. It’s fleeting, because there is something “gnawing at your soul” that must come first. To stay grounded in your truth and rooted in who you are. That’s where all of the freedom lies. That’s where love is found. That’s where I find God. That is where I meet myself fully.

With my feet planted firmly like a blessing, I whisper into the silence the one truth I have known all along, like an incantation rolling over my tongue and tightly embracing my soul.

I belong to me.

I belong to me.

I belong to me.

All for now,

All my love,

Onward.

-m