don't forget me

The lyrics of Maggie Rogers “Don’t Forget Me” are ringing in my ears as I write this. I’m staring at a picture of little me zipped up with a raincoat tight around my head and red rain boots on, small hands reaching to hold my backpack straps.

Not much has changed. I ride around the city on my e-bike everywhere in this damp and dew-covered place with my yellow raincoat buttoned up tight around my head for riding in the wind and my rain boots to protect from the puddles. There’s a note that sits taped above the photo of little me that I look at everyday as I sit down to work behind my desk in my office close to the ocean that says, “Make her proud.” But today, all I feel is sadness. Why is it that sometimes in order to make ourselves and our lives and our paths right for us, so that we can make our little selves proud, there are people, and places, and experiences that have to be left behind and let go along the way? Why is that you can love a person, a place, an experience so much, and still know, deep down in your bones, calling from your intuition, that’s it’s not right? That it’s time to move on. That it’s time to let go. 

I suppose not every person or place or experience is meant to be forever. And that is the beauty of life. One door closing as another one opens. “Trying to teach myself what seems it will break my heart to learn.” - Emily Ruskovich. Trying my best to stay open and humble amidst all of the feelings: sadness, pain, grief, joy, excitement, relief, anticipation.

Saying goodbye to someone you love, but know is not your forever sucks. In fact, it hurts like hell. It hurts just as much as the hurt of any other heartbreak. And there is part of me that wishes, oh does it wish, that things could be different. In another life, we were lovers forever. In another life, our love lasted a lifetime. But in this life, we must say goodbye.

I’m going down to the ocean later to walk in the sunshine. Watch the sun glisten off of the water. I’ll remember how we used to hold hands as we walked there together. Your nervous laughter. Your eyes that bore into mine. Me, never wanting my time with you to end. Me, wishing the hours and minutes and seconds could be stretched out longer so that I could just keep holding your hand, one paw on you at all times, looking into your eyes, stuck like glue, never wanting to take them off of you.

“Promise me that when it’s time to leave, don’t forget me.” And I won’t, not ever. 

All for now,

All my love,

Onward.

-m