a woman in waiting

What does it mean to have loved and have lost? To feel the pain of separation but still know deep down in your bones that it is the right thing. The winds of change have blown through my being so fiercely over the past 7 months but I still stand strong and tall, more brave and confident than I have ever been before. All of the pain was worth it, and now I am a woman in waiting.

To love and have lost. To love and have lost. But do we really lose? What does it mean to lose? What does it mean to lose in love? I don’t think we lose at all. I think it is more of a gentle goodbye. A slow separation. A farewell. A see you soon. Or maybe, a see you never. Either way, I don’t think loss equates to have lost, because loss is as familiar as the sun rising each morning and setting in the evening. Loss is like the beat of a loud drum, constant and steady. Loss is a friend, welcoming you into a hug of deeper intimacy with yourself, your loved ones, your mind, your body and your soul. It’s a portal to the lower level. The one you have to dig for. The one you have to fight for. The one you have to cry and scream and heave for. Day after day after day. And then one day, loss is in the waiting. Knowing that today and this moment are as fleeting as the previous one and the next happening right now, this minute, this second. Loss is the heart showing me that I am human. And oh how I am grateful for that.

We aren’t lost when we lose in love we are found. Found because we have been blessed with the greatest gift; the gift of allowing the flow of life to exist and come and go freely. Found because we are allowing what is not meant for us to leave to allow space for what is meant for us to arrive in due time, when we are ready.

I am a woman in waiting because I have been found. I gained myself through the loss of a previous love and am readying my bones for what is to come. So how do I wait gracefully for that moment to come? In the moments in between, I have turned back to my writing, I have turned to learning, I have turned to friends and family, and I have turned back to my body. I am turning my being towards a life of intention. Changing the course of my life as we speak towards one that truly feels like living. I am waiting, and in the waiting I am working, because dreams don’t happen overnight. My dream life and the dream person that I am continuously becoming requires commitment and concerted effort and it requires the willingness to accomplish the smaller tasks that lead to the bigger, shinier moments. I am doing the internal work, behind my desk, in the lamplight, in the dark, candles burning, waiting.

I am a woman in waiting. But I am not waiting for myself anymore.

All for now,

All my love,

Onward.

-m