finding myself in solitude

As I was sitting behind my desk this morning after my 6am run, watching Jay Shetty being interviewed by Drew Barrymore on her talk show, something that he said really struck me. Drew asked Jay about the importance of alone time as a young person and he replied by saying,

“I think so many young people feel that they lose themselves in a relationship and the truth is we didn’t lose ourselves we didn’t know ourselves in the first place. When you lose yourself in a relationship, you then have to find yourself in solitude and so when you find yourself spending time by yourself if you actually discover who you are…it can be the best investment that you make even if it’s against everything that you’re being pulled towards and all the excitement of a relationship. The idea of spending some time getting to know yourself is the best investment not just for your love life but for your career and your purpose and your friendships. For any area of your life.”

What Jay shared really struck me because in his words, I feel seen and understood. When I devoted time in partnership to another person over a long period of time, and then that partnership died, it left me feeling dead inside. I wondered without that person in my life, who would I be? What would I become? And where was I going? I think that regardless of how hard we try, in relationships it can be difficult to not become completely engulfed by the other person and their values, beliefs, ideas, hobbies and more, especially when that love is a first love, especially when that love is so intense. I was taken out to sea when the heavy waves of first love came crashing at my shores, and I accepted it. I swam in those waters for years quite happily, until I wasn’t. At a certain point I missed home. But what I was really missing wasn’t a brick and mortar house or a place that was familiar. At the end of every day, I just missed myself. A self that I didn’t even know yet. A self that I knew I could become. If only I had the courage and the bravery to step out on my own and find myself in solitude.

Love is a powerful force. One that I didn’t realize was so powerful until I experienced it, and then left it behind to go find myself.

I hope that one day I find love in partnership again, but above all else, I hope that I find myself. I hope that on my deathbed, I can confidently say that in my solitude, I was taken out to sea by my own dreams, and swam happily in those waters.

I leave you today dear reader, with a favourite passage of mine on friendship:

“I am so lucky to have so many passionate friendships in my life. Celebrating relationships is usually reserved for the romantic kind. When I think about how many times I’ve met (usually) a woman and felt sparks, or how many times I’ve stayed up the whole night talking with a friend, or how many friends’ presences I find completely intoxicating, or think of the slow courtship preceding a friendship, I wonder why/how people could ever imagine that “partnership” only refers to somebody with whom you have a sexual relationship. Why do people ask “did you meet somebody?” when they mean “did you meet a man?” as if that’s the epitome of human connection. As if meeting somebody with whom there is no sexual connection means that your relationship couldn’t be thrilling, passionate, supportive, intimate, life-affirming or life-changing. As if some friends aren’t accompanying each other through life in one of the truest partnerships I’ve ever known.”

All for now,

All my love,

Onward.

-m

P.S. Something exciting coming to a Victoria library near you in Spring 2023. Stay tuned for an announcement coming soon!