i'm back

It’s a dark evening in November as my fingers hover above the keyboard, restless, but ready. The dust has settled on my writing but I’m wiping it clean today. Letting it wash over me until it turns into nothing. “I am so grateful to be here” were the words that came to mind tonight as I lied on the floor of my apartment while tears streamed down my cheeks. Grateful for safety. Grateful for solitude. Grateful for silence, and the stillness that holds me while the fridge hums noisily in the background. This past week I was talking with my best friend about connection and alone time. She sent me an Instagram post that details the amount of time we spend with certain groups of people in our life throughout the course of our life, and the results astonished me. It turns out that as we progress through life, our time alone only increases. While time with friends, family, a partner, and coworkers was significant, none of the results stood out to me more than the increase in time spent alone throughout one’s lifespan. If these results really are true, then how will I spend that time? Will I crawl into my Youtube hole and never come out again for fear of being alone? Will I waste away my hours waiting for someone to keep me company? No.

Tonight, I slide on my thick and cozy socks from Canadian Tire that I bought a few years ago when I was a different person. I pull on my toque from Otavalo. I lift my big orange winter coat onto my shoulders and I step out of my apartment to greet the nighttime air and the bright stars. I will keep myself company through all of the long days and busy moments in between. I will hold myself when I am in pain. I will nurture my creativity and my passions. I will move my body. I will eat. I will do what I love and I will love with my whole being, vulnerably, authentically, and truthfully. And I will love myself, in all that I am, until the day that I die, and beyond. This is our purpose in life. To love ourselves wholly. To be content in our own presence, without anyone’s company. To scream and cry tears of gratitude at the same time for a life that feels like living.

There are butterflies gathering all around, and above, and inside me. If I was to fly away, would you recognize my freedom?

All for now,

All my love,

Onward.

-m